2015 a year of HOPE

I am horrible about keeping up with things, I always loved the idea of a diary, but stuck with it maybe a week then moved on. i realize now the older I get the more and more i wish i would have stuck with it. Memory is a funny thing.

A LOT, has happened since i last wrote. of course i last wrote like 2 years ago, so i would hope that a lot has happened.

We are now on our 3rd year of fostering. we have had a total of 5 beautiful children call us mommy and daddy, for a season.

V went home, came back 3 months later, then returned home once again. She has now been with her mommy for almost 2 years!!! WHAT?? that sweet 4 month old that stole my heart in every way is now 3 and will be 4 this year! that does NOT seem possible!!!!!!

G and J came to us shortly after V went home, they were a welcomed sight! March 14, 2013, the day after my birthday! we spent 11 wonderful months loving on these guys,( 3 of those months we had V too, they all LOVED each other SO much)  when they came to us they were 2 and 4. so much different than a 4 month old baby LOL and a lot louder ;)
we love those two so very much and i am thankful for the season i was called to be their mommy. They may never know how much they saved me, pulled me out of the dark place after V left, reopened my eyes to the beauty of this walk of life. I am thankful to their grandmother who still allows us to see them and have them spend the night. They went home to be with her in Feb of 2014, it was a sad but joyful day, another story of hope and restoration, a story of God at work.


and once again in March we got the call, this time March 11, 2014, two days before my birthday =)

TWINS!!! 3 month old TWINS!!! (enough said right?!? HAHA)

almost 10 months now with us(the fastest 10 months EVER), i honestly can say i have no idea what the future holds with these two amazing love bugs, but i have learned after 3 yrs of fostering you never really know anything until it is done.

It is hard this time, I havent been able to make that connection with family like in the past. I do reach out and send letters and pictures, but i havent had that face to face time, which i think is important. And i dont know if i will be able to have that face to face time this go around, but like always my first prayer is for the best interest of the children. They are the ones who have no control, trusting in the grown ups around them, and above everything I want these guys, and their wonderful big sister, to have the best life available to them. So we are praying and trusting in Gods plan and what His will is for their little lives, I know no matter what they will be great men, and women, of GOD. They have a higher calling in this life, and I want them to succeed in everything they do!

I do pray that this year I will be able to better outreach to this family(and all other families who come into our path thru fostering or not), to build them up in He who is GREATER than any situation. Because all we are really called to do while on this earth is to lead people to HIM, and show them true LOVE, love without judgement and condemnation, a GOD kind of love. It is very hard sometimes, but it is my desire that i can truly LOVE how He loves!

I have decided that 2015 is my year of HOPE, hope for peace, hope for His plans to unfold, hope for patience, hope for my forever family (biological and adoptive, b/c i will have both!!) HOPE, without it you cant have FAITH, and without faith it is impossible to please GOD and that is all i want for this year, is to please HIM!

NO MATTER WHAT my future holds, i have HOPE!

2/9/2013

its been 10 days since you went home to be with your real mommy.
i think and pray about you everyday! 

you will always hold my heart.
you will always be my daughter. 

my 1st. 

my world.

 i love you so much sweet angel. 

i miss those big blue eyes and that gap tooth grin.

 but i know you are being loved and taken care of so it makes it easier on me. 

i know that your mommy is so happy to have you and your sisters home in her arms. 

i know she will do all that she needs to do to make sure you have all you need! 

she is a strong woman, be proud of her. she fought for you, she never gave up!

i am honored to say that you were mine. 

God blessed me so much by putting you in my life.

 He knew you were what i needed and i was what you needed. 

those 15 months will always be cherished!

 i will never forget when you called me mommy,

 i will never forget your first kiss, 

i will never forget your arms around my neck, 

i will never forget how you told me you loved me! 

i will never forget your silly ways. 

you helped me see my calling in this life.

thank you for being the amazing little girl that you are!

i cant wait to see the woman you grow up to be. 

i cant wait to see you again.

i love you always with all my heart<3

Jan 26. 13

be warned this is mainly written for me, so i can get my feelings out, it may not make any sense to you at all, but complete sense to me. 

4:18 AM-

normally i try to be strong and positive about all thats going on with baby V. 

but right now, right now i feel like im losing my heart.

i feel like crying just isnt enough.

i feel cheated.

i feel like this just isnt fair.

i love this child with my whole heart.

i would die for her.

i would give anything and everything for her.

i love her with all that i am. 

4:30 AM-

ive uplifted and supported this momma more than i ever thought id be able too, simply because the first few months i wanted her to fail, i was selfish and wanted TPR to take place so i could keep V forever. but then something hit me. 

God. 

He reminded me He loves her, just as much as He loves me. 

 i do wish nothing but the best for her life. not only because she my sister in Christ but 

how could i not? she is about to take my child and raise her.

how could i wish bad things on her when my child will be in her hands?

((i dont want whoever reads this (if anyone) to feel sorry for me, 

i dont want you to tell me "i know your heart has to be breaking," (because of course it is.)

and i for sure dont want you to wish ill will on the mother. 

i want you to lift her up in prayer, 

i want you to say great things over her. 

she has worked hard to get to this point, she has done so good. 

plus she is about to undertake a huge task, 3 girls under 4 all on her own.

she needs our prayers..A LOT of them!

4:47 AM-

i feel i have so many emotions that when i write them out they dont make any sense. i feel like i go from anger, to sadness, to peace within minutes of each other.  on one hand i want to keep V forever and raise her as my own and love on her everyday of my life. on the other if going home to her momma is whats best for her than thats what i want for her, because whats best for her is my true hearts desire. i keep trying to completely put myself under and just put all my trust in God, but tonight when my husband looked at me with tears streaming down his face telling me he is going to miss her, i broke. yes ive cried but he has always been there to tell me we are going to be ok. but tonight we both lost it. then we picked ourselves up and looked at each other and said we are going to be ok. and we will, because God gave us each other God knew what He called us to do wasnt easy He knew we needed each other He knew i needed a man thats stronger than me who can lift me up and tell me we will make it thru this because we know who our God is! Praise God for my husband. thank you Father for him, thank you for this calling you placed on our lives. it is a very hard road, but wow how we have been blessed. Not many people can truly look back and say i was a part of helping someone get their life back. i was a part of something far greater than my mind could possibly come up with. He is worthy here, we are just the vessels He chose to use. 

WOW! its amazing the amount of feelings you can feel in just a short amount of time. 

i will NEVER regret taking this journey, i look forward to many more children coming into our home. but do continue to pray for our hearts, do pray for the child/children that will come next, and do continue to pray for my sweet angel V, i look forward to seeing the woman she will turn into =-) HE IS A GOOD GOD, AND A FAITHFUL FATHER!!! <3

Jan 6, 2013

2013 really?!?! wow.

so this is what has been going on in my world of foster care.
feb 6th is the next court date. and it is looking like that will be the go home date. i dont honestly know how i will handle it when that day gets here. but i can say that right now, im ok.

friday started off as a horrible day emotionally for me. i had to take lil lady to her weekend visit and i was just not happy about that. normally i handle it just fine but i think with it getting so close to being feb i just broke. well i had arrived a few minutes early and so did birth momma. so as she was getting lil lady out of the car i told her today has been a very hard day for me, she asked why, i told her because it was all coming to an end and i just wasnt handling it well...this is what she said to me " this is not the end. you are stuck with us both forever, without your words of encouragement, without your support, i couldnt have gotten through this, knowing how much you love my daughter has made this easier for me." then we hugged and cried together.

it was an eye opening moment for me. a reminder of why im doing this.God called me and matt to this ministry to help families, not just the children. do i want to adopt and have my own forever family?!? OF COURSE. but the feeling i get thinking about this mother getting to be with her children is indescribable.  the feeling i get knowing i was a part of her getting her life back on track is amazing. the feeling i get thinking about all the memories ive shared with my beautiful princess is awesome! who knew one little girl could change my life so much!

am i going to be sad and cry...i can pretty much tell you YES. but is it going to stop me from continuing on this path of foster care. NO. little girl will forever be in my heart and she will forever be in my life. i do not know what God has in store for me in the future or even tomorrow, but i do know that i am looking forward to it.

I am going to enjoy these last few weeks loving on my sweet baby. and i look forward to the next sweet angel that will be coming into my home. God is my peace, my strength, my hope, my everything! to Him be the glory! Praise HIM!

Dec 4, 2012

Its been a fun week.

matt has been off since sunday and doesnt go back to work till thursday!

monday we had some family photos taken. and then went craft store hopping.

also got to eat 5guys.YUM.

Today we went to the mcwane center. little girl had so much fun.

i love this age so much where she can go and do and play. but still small enough to be my cuddle bug! 

she goes to spend the night with her birth mother friday =/ thankfully its only for one night. im not looking forward to her Christmas visit tho. its the 23rd-26th. that just is too long.

im doing really good, holding on to my faith in God. i know that He is working on me. giving me peace and comfort. i wish i could see what the future had in store. i wish i was better at just living day to day and not thinking about all this. thats the hardest thing for me. THINKING. why do we have to think about everything? i really do wish there was an off button to our brains.

on another note. 

tomorrow is gonna be a great day. a lazy day. a day to just sit and play with my sweet angel. and be thankful for all i do have because i do have so much. im healthy. im loved. i have a roof over my head. and food to eat. and so much more. God is good all the time.

now time to go sew.

=)

Nov 27, 2012

this year has gone by so quickly.
i feel like i havent had enough time.
is there ever going to be enough time?
even right now at this moment i feel rushed.
i wish that clocks were never invented.
that time didnt matter.
i wish that i really could just live in my own little bubble,
sometimes.

i got the call today about the next over night visit schedule.
she wont be with me for christmas.
they are wanting to move the court date to the first of the new year.
i trust God more than anything.
i trust in the supernatural.
i know that He can do more, than i could ever begin to imagine.
i just need to have patience and really let go.
if i hold on to this fear then im not having faith.
faith is the answer.

im thankful for the life i have been given.
and i will never take it for granted.
i have been given so much.
been blessed beyond measure.
i am a child of the mighty king of kings.

Nov 17, 2012

Night time seems to always be the hardest for me, always has been. 

I dont know if it has anything to do with being a woman, or just being me.

But night time is always when those little thoughts start to creep in, 

esp when you are laying there trying to fall asleep...bleh!

What if this happens, what can i do, why is this happening, blah blah blah

Your mind can do crazy things to you if you let it.

Im so thankful i have learned more about taking my thoughts captive!

the bible really does have an answer for everything...go figure right?!? ha

[only one more day till she is back safe in my arms! thank goodness!!

i tried to sleep in late this morning because i didnt have to be up to do anything.

but the quiet house just wouldnt let me sleep. the more i laid there to more i thought

the more i thought the sicker i felt, so i got up, solved that problem.]

 so my day today is going to be filled with good things. 

im going to get all my laundry done.

im going to catch up on some television.

 do some crafting.

maybe even organize my house...

maybe, lets not get to carried away =)

but i am going to find the good in everything, 

im not going to let this break me

not going to let this depress me 

not going to let this defeat me.

NOPE 

i am bigger and stronger than any situation.

 i have God on my side.

and He loves me and wants the best for me 

I am a child of the Most High! Praise God!!! =)

Have a beautifully blessed day.