Jan 26. 13

be warned this is mainly written for me, so i can get my feelings out, it may not make any sense to you at all, but complete sense to me. 

4:18 AM-

normally i try to be strong and positive about all thats going on with baby V. 

but right now, right now i feel like im losing my heart.

i feel like crying just isnt enough.

i feel cheated.

i feel like this just isnt fair.

i love this child with my whole heart.

i would die for her.

i would give anything and everything for her.

i love her with all that i am. 

4:30 AM-

ive uplifted and supported this momma more than i ever thought id be able too, simply because the first few months i wanted her to fail, i was selfish and wanted TPR to take place so i could keep V forever. but then something hit me. 

God. 

He reminded me He loves her, just as much as He loves me. 

 i do wish nothing but the best for her life. not only because she my sister in Christ but 

how could i not? she is about to take my child and raise her.

how could i wish bad things on her when my child will be in her hands?

((i dont want whoever reads this (if anyone) to feel sorry for me, 

i dont want you to tell me "i know your heart has to be breaking," (because of course it is.)

and i for sure dont want you to wish ill will on the mother. 

i want you to lift her up in prayer, 

i want you to say great things over her. 

she has worked hard to get to this point, she has done so good. 

plus she is about to undertake a huge task, 3 girls under 4 all on her own.

she needs our prayers..A LOT of them!

4:47 AM-

i feel i have so many emotions that when i write them out they dont make any sense. i feel like i go from anger, to sadness, to peace within minutes of each other.  on one hand i want to keep V forever and raise her as my own and love on her everyday of my life. on the other if going home to her momma is whats best for her than thats what i want for her, because whats best for her is my true hearts desire. i keep trying to completely put myself under and just put all my trust in God, but tonight when my husband looked at me with tears streaming down his face telling me he is going to miss her, i broke. yes ive cried but he has always been there to tell me we are going to be ok. but tonight we both lost it. then we picked ourselves up and looked at each other and said we are going to be ok. and we will, because God gave us each other God knew what He called us to do wasnt easy He knew we needed each other He knew i needed a man thats stronger than me who can lift me up and tell me we will make it thru this because we know who our God is! Praise God for my husband. thank you Father for him, thank you for this calling you placed on our lives. it is a very hard road, but wow how we have been blessed. Not many people can truly look back and say i was a part of helping someone get their life back. i was a part of something far greater than my mind could possibly come up with. He is worthy here, we are just the vessels He chose to use. 

WOW! its amazing the amount of feelings you can feel in just a short amount of time. 

i will NEVER regret taking this journey, i look forward to many more children coming into our home. but do continue to pray for our hearts, do pray for the child/children that will come next, and do continue to pray for my sweet angel V, i look forward to seeing the woman she will turn into =-) HE IS A GOOD GOD, AND A FAITHFUL FATHER!!! <3

Jan 6, 2013

2013 really?!?! wow.

so this is what has been going on in my world of foster care.
feb 6th is the next court date. and it is looking like that will be the go home date. i dont honestly know how i will handle it when that day gets here. but i can say that right now, im ok.

friday started off as a horrible day emotionally for me. i had to take lil lady to her weekend visit and i was just not happy about that. normally i handle it just fine but i think with it getting so close to being feb i just broke. well i had arrived a few minutes early and so did birth momma. so as she was getting lil lady out of the car i told her today has been a very hard day for me, she asked why, i told her because it was all coming to an end and i just wasnt handling it well...this is what she said to me " this is not the end. you are stuck with us both forever, without your words of encouragement, without your support, i couldnt have gotten through this, knowing how much you love my daughter has made this easier for me." then we hugged and cried together.

it was an eye opening moment for me. a reminder of why im doing this.God called me and matt to this ministry to help families, not just the children. do i want to adopt and have my own forever family?!? OF COURSE. but the feeling i get thinking about this mother getting to be with her children is indescribable.  the feeling i get knowing i was a part of her getting her life back on track is amazing. the feeling i get thinking about all the memories ive shared with my beautiful princess is awesome! who knew one little girl could change my life so much!

am i going to be sad and cry...i can pretty much tell you YES. but is it going to stop me from continuing on this path of foster care. NO. little girl will forever be in my heart and she will forever be in my life. i do not know what God has in store for me in the future or even tomorrow, but i do know that i am looking forward to it.

I am going to enjoy these last few weeks loving on my sweet baby. and i look forward to the next sweet angel that will be coming into my home. God is my peace, my strength, my hope, my everything! to Him be the glory! Praise HIM!